1 step forward, 2 steps back, 3 whopping steps forward

My partner knows just how upset I have been and with the Landlord demanding the return of the computer we had been renting, my hopes were dashed for the wheel of the year project.  All of my notes were on it and I had no idea how I was going to be able to work on anything without internet access.  I spent most of last night uploading to Google and stuffing my flash drives with my favorite programs, spreadsheets and things I've created.  There were tears at the frustration and the loss of it all, but aside from the occasional sniffle, I stayed quiet.  It is not my partners fault, it is the Landlords and one day soon he will get his comeuppance.  To be quite honest I have been feeling thin, like not enough butter spread on too much bread.  Everything has been lacking and my life has been dictated by this man, when I can come and go, what I am allowed to do, and he is rude to me, so I ignore him and pretend like he's not there and won't answer the door when I'm alone because nothing good can come of visiting a woman alone after 10 pm.

My partner has a way of pulling the perfect thing out of thin air, and after dropping me off to do the grocery shopping, he went shopping, unbeknownst to me.  As I shopped I stormed around, worried that the Landlord would break into the place somehow and just snatch my computer and with everything on it.  I got through the checkout and called my man to come pick me up... and it was then that he told me he was wiping my computer and making sure that everything was off it because he was going to go throw it at the Landlord.  He knows there are things on there that I created that are next to impossible to recreate, he also knows that those are the things I put on my flash-drive last night so he wasn't worried that if he wiped it clean that I would be missing stuff.  I told him thanks and the tears started to flow... I'd never been so glad that he couldn't see my tears, he didn't deserve them.  I walked my groceries outside and waited the 15 minutes it takes to pick me up, wiping the the tears from my face and neck, wishing they would stop.  They finally did just as he showed up and he helped me put the packages in the back of the car.  He started to tease me about how he had no money left and then realized I was too upset to wrap my head around something as mundane as a joke.  "I went to the pawn shop, Baby, and I spent some of the money we were going to use for the move on a new laptop for you. It's better than mine and has a nice big screen so you can work on your blog more easily."  I was so happy I burst into tears.  He knew how much I had been bugged by everything that has been going on since before my birthday, and he smiled, said happy birthday as well, and then he told me what he had discovered.

Tonight when he got home after buying the new laptop, he realized he had left his keys inside.  Now he needed to get in and he also had put in the lock that kept others out, especially the Landlord, who when we first moved in had been visiting while all of us were out.  So my baby used a credit card  and jimmied the lock, easily (which he didn't expect), when he got in he noticed that the weather stripping we had put up had been removed and the lock was easier to get at.  I had been telling my baby that stuff was missing and moved around, and he had returned to calling me wacko, so I stopped telling him.  As he showed me how easy it was to break in,  I told him money was missing from the jar, and had frequently been going missing.  I'm no longer the wacko.  I have a new kick-ass computer and I have been vindicated.  My day went from worrying about not being able to blog, study, research and write any longer, to the complete opposite.  I love my new toy, it's perfect.  My man is happy and I'm happy... and tomorrow the Landlord will be happy because he will have his lappie back.  I may have to kick around and wait until my baby is home so I can go for walks, but I have my life back again.  Looks like I won't have to give up my Witchy Fitness Challenge, which was of course my biggest worry.
You see being rather reclusive, it's important that when I reach out, I don't loose that life line and retreat all over again. :D

Samhain is coming - Woo Hoo!!

My mind just did a complete throwback to when I was young, 'Oh look, Halloween is coming!' and that feeling of magic filled me up.  I remembered the days getting shorter and watching for my dad out the window because when he got home he might have a little treat for us.  We'd go through his suit pockets and voila... there would be pieces of peanut brittle, toffees, or chocolate.  Then we would have a nice dinner, and watch TV.  You knew Halloween was just around the corner because the holiday programming started up about a week before.  There would also be the creating of the costume (my mom could sew) and the finding of a pillow slip big and strong enough to hold all the loot.  My mother was German and my father was English, neither one had any real idea what Halloween was, so what we learned was in school and we would bring the concepts home to my parents and try to get away with as much as my parents would allow.  

Now at my school we read scary stories like 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow'.  We would cut out pumpkins, each year they became more intricate as our skills improved.  There were lectures on safe candy collecting and on Halloween day, there would be the big school assembly with a film on the perils of trick or treating gone wrong.  There was only one thing missing.... the lore.

There was no teaching about Samhain, not even any mention of it.  So this needs to be remedied.  I start my Wheel of the Year this Samhain, where I practice all the seasonal holidays of my faith.  There is so much to study, iconic imagery, ritual, food, devotion, and only a variety of holy days.  Over the next couple of weeks I'll be studying and posting some of my findings in preparation for creating my own personal ritual.  I'm excited and nervous, because I've never gone to such extremes, and it does feel good to finally practice the way I want to.  

My kids are grown, my partner now works full time.  For the first time in decades everything has fallen into place and I am getting regular quiet time so that I can do as I please uninterrupted.  Actually... it's the first time ever that I have had quiet time and everything is still sinking in.  I have time to do the artwork, study the history, and prepare the ritual, so I guess it's time to pull out my agenda and make the big transition from words to deeds. :D

An omen from my flying ointment

A few days ago The Witch of Forest Grove wrote a wonderful article, On Flying Ointments.  It was well written and included not only the basics of how to make one, but the various components you can use, and the implications of making ones that tend to use the more baneful herbs.  She will not give dosages, however, she provides cautions and warnings and just enough information for further study to help you along your task.  For a long time I have wanted to know just a rough guideline for more information on how to get over the hedge more easily without getting stoned.  I'm a serious student and am not looking for a cheap high.  Sometimes though, the gate to the other-side just remains elusive and all I'm looking for is the right key to get me over.  Sometimes I can get over on my own on purpose, more often than not though, I get there by accident, just bumbling over.  I'm looking for more controlled ventures.
This is not a calling for everyone, I felt the calling towards hedge-riding years ago, long before I knew about flying ointments or even what going over the hedge was.  I was very young then (about 7) and it was like watching TV these dreams, only I could somewhat control the outcome.  From then on I wanted to get over more frequently and control it.  I had no one to guide me or council me in this, yet I persisted and eventually found the information I needed here and there, to keep me going one step at a time.

I am now cobbling together all that I have learned over many years into what I call the "Big Blue Book of Keep the Fuck Out"  The way I look at it, this was my tale of my journey, and what I did to get here.  It's also the journey I am now making and I don't want short cuts; it would take away from the adventures I will go on and all the exciting things that I will seen.
I did try a flying potion... I had a little wormwood.... and no I'm not telling where I got it, but I did and I have a little left, which is a good thing, because I want to use it again.  That was the herb I used when I made my flying potion on the afternoon of the 10th of September.  I didn't even wait for my partner to go to work, I was that excited and that impatient.  I read up on Wormwood and on Thujone before I continued.  I used a small amount in my potion and set it to heat in the oil on, of all things, an electric coffee warmer.  I infused the oil for the correct time and added the wax and a natural preservative (I have a full arsenal in my witches cupboard of rare and exotic, weird and bizarre).  I couldn't get it to cool fast enough and so carried it to the bathroom (in-case it was messy).  With my partner working grave-yard shift, I would have the entire night to myself to give it a try and see what happens without any interruptions.
I deliberately made it less potent, but with what I thought would be enough of a sample to see if I liked it and if it would do as I hoped.  Using my fingers to scoop out about 2 tablespoons of the very oily mass I smeared it on the back of my neck.  I don't know why I chose there, I just did.  The ointment was so greasy I was rubbing it in for a long time and ended up giving up and just letting it sit there for a bit, and then a little later I rubbed the last little bits in.
At first I didn't feel anything, but after a while, colours were more intense, and I had this sense that I could see things really clearly, as though I was truly seeing them for the first time in my life and now things made sense; at last... true clarity.  I saw where I had been going wrong with some things and what needed to be done to rectify my life and simplify things.  I had been so intent on this wheel of the year, and I still am.  I was originally going to study this year and learn more about all the rituals throughout a Witches year starting at Samhain.  About a week later I had this brilliant idea that I would open an online store and sell my crafts and get that all done for Samhain. (<This is the omen part> What I quickly realized was that although the store is a great idea, it's time has not come yet.  I need to learn more about ritual, paying homage, feasting, playing, working, magic, consecration.  I'm not ready now for the dream of the store.  However, I am ready to gather items in a couple of months and sell them off at a craft fair or farmers market. ) As I learn more, I won't struggle over the simple things and so the store (which I have wanted to do for years and years, <small business workbook dated 1990 was eye opening> perhaps decades) will have a better chance of surviving.
I saw that sometimes we as people, get caught up in the dream and completely miss out on the experience.  I was about to sell myself short.  I have been obsessed the last month crafting and studying and crafting and drawing, wanting to know everything all at once and cursing my lack of knowledge.  I was taking all the fun out of the upcoming year, and I hadn't even started it.  So I'm going back to my original plan; Wheel of the Year here I come.
There were other insights that I had as well from the flying ointment.  More personal, but helpful none the less.  I would also say yes, it helps when hedge-crossing, it did make it easier for me to lie down, relax and go over the hedge and talk to my Grandma.  The usual drowsiness I encounter when hedge crossing was not there, instead, I felt alert, but not as though I was controlling the situation, nor was I having a hallucination.
It was a positive experience and something I will take up a notch, but not a big notch.  I'm not interested in getting high, I'm interested in clarity, visions, hedge-crossing and enlightenment.  I feel this fills the bill.  There will be other experiments of course with other herbs and dosages to find the best fit for me in all this and I'm excited.  I'm keeping lots of notes in the "Big Blue Book of Keep the Fuck Out" and perhaps one day I'll pass it on.  

Wheel of the Year

So while my partner has been at work, I've been working on my blog and my arts and crafts.  I've been talking about creating a Wheel of the Year, and I started it days ago.  I made the circle, divided into eighths and then penciled in a besom broom, titling it Samhain and posting the date.  After much staring, the next day I added Yule and the date, and the third day I added a wreath beneath the title.  I really wanted to do this, but I couldn't get into it.  So I started studying my moon phases and days of the week correspondences, creating an agenda for the next year for myself, getting me in closer contact with my subject matter, the year.

As soon as I had finished the calender I had a sudden desire to fill in my Samhain section on my Wheel of the Year.  I'm looking at my completed work and am quite pleased with it.  I just got right into it and let it happen.  I was excited to do it and everything just revealed itself.  I like the folk artsy feel of it and the way it triggers memories for me.  It was a fun project and kept me awake until close to when my partner gets home, he's home at seven am.  It was good to get it finished and I feel like I accomplished something.

The Wheel of the Year

It’s barely august and I’m already thinking about Samhain.  I have been reading and getting in touch with myself and my arts and crafts, the little things I do every day.  I am so bad at doing the right thing at the right time because I become sidetracked or distracted.  It’s like a curse, and guilt had always worked wonders upon me.  Finally, my partner, one of the worst offenders told me I should start saying no.  He noticed I was becoming unwell for extended periods of time and that I rarely seemed to get a moment to myself to do what I wanted to and when I finally did it will filled with constant interruptions.  He was awesome in the way he pointed it out and from that I have discovered that time is starting to slow down and that there is time for me now that I have no back in my vocabulary.  With that said I want to create a blog devoted more to the Wheel of the Year and less time on my trials and tribulations with my personal life.

Officially, the blog won’t really start until the 31^st of October, however; I will be updating, adding and subtracting various elements, until I have it stylized just right to my needs, and hopefully you too will enjoy the read.  For now, I will just let you know what I am up to and where I am headed until that remarkably fateful day occurs.

During the year, I will outline my rituals, discuss my wild-crafting travels and the goodies I pick up, my crafting and creating of magical items, my journey to find a shamanic teacher so I can get to my next level, and so much more.  I’m excited about this journey, because I think it will bring me closer to my true spiritual nature.  Hell, even my partner is backing me up, and he isn't a pagan.  I figure I have enough time to get calendars together and everything set up so I can bring them up in advance.  A calendar of events for the month, followed by that month’s magical journal, holy days, and moon phases and the antics I get up to (including pictures).  I am fortunate enough to live 5 minutes away from Westwood Lake in Nanaimo, so foraging for wild-crafting will be an amazing adventure in itself.
I am also creative and enjoy crafting of all types, cooking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, drawing and much more, and as I create thing magically, I will be posting what I do.
In other words, welcome to my magical life.